Critique Literature

I was just wanting some critique on some of my poems. I was wondering what you all think of them and if anyone has any ideas of improvement, whatnot. XD But of course though, you all may post your own poems and stories here for critique as well! =D It doesn't have to be just mine. XP

~~~~~~~~~
Thirty Minutes

Out of time,
to decide for my life.

We could lose,
we could fail-
but either way,
the right will become free.

Thirty minutes-
to decide it all.
Thirty minutes-
to alter our lives...

Out of time,
for the chance of my life.

As I watch you walk away-
do I run?
Do I try?

Options change,
time stops-
my breath becomes cold...

Thirty minutes-
to shelter our lives.
Thirty Minutes-
to try to capture my feelings...

Do I stay?
Or should I fall?

To make up my mind-
to risk it all-
to finally decide...

Thirty minutes-
to shelter my blame.
Thirty minutes-
to open my mind.

Out of time,
to decide for my life.

Should I risk to walk out?
In the death of my own?
Or should I tremble,
and wait for the world to overlap...

Thirty minutes-
to regain my senses.
Thirty minutes-
to take back my choice.

My eyes return,
but you are no longer.
My tremble stance,
regains position.

...Thirty minutes...
...please forgive me...

As I walk out of my old,
and into my short new-
I look back,
at the shadow whose vision disperses...

...Thirty minutes...
...it was meant to be...

Finally I move,
out into the death of my own...
...my feelings can't stop me.

...Thirty minutes...
...this is my choice...

Lives whom have altered my own,
chose this path for me...
I finally decide,
to walk out...

...Thirty minutes...
...is all it took...



This one I wrote after listening to the song "Thirty Minutes"-t.A.T.u. It's supposed to be a saddened piece, visualising how hurt this one person is by the world...how her life had turned for the worse and now she wants to end it by comminting suicide by getting hit by a car.
I write messed up poems, I know.

~~~~~~~~~
Responsible

You hide in the shallows,
wishing the world will just overlap.

You keep watching,
but nothing clicks.
You keep talking,
but nothing ever makes sense.

Watching as no one listens,
as they all pass you by.

What about you?
Why do you feel so alone...?

Time is ticking,
nothing ever seems to stop...
...when you stop imagining...

You say we aren't responsible,
but we are...
...in many ways to count-
as you just slolwy walk down the streets...

Take two steps forward,
watching as they all just stare-
take one step back,
and you're back where you were.

Just keep watching from the distance,
no one seems to notice...

Failed to be recongnized,
in your time of need...
...who is ever there?

Shallow pits in your eyes,
just slipping away down the gutters of the streets...
...just wasting away,
wanting to be seen,
heard...

Looking up the doorstep,
seeing those you've treasured.

Do you take the path?
Do you look back?

You never wanted to be alone...
...but no one seems to care...

Take one step forward,
no hesitation-
take two steps back,
waiting for the execution.

Wanting to be seen for the first time-
wanting to be known in the world...

You keep watching,
but nothing clicks.
You keep talking,
but nothing ever makes sense.

You keep walking,
but no one ever seems to care.
You look away,
but all you seem to get-
is another smack across the face by the stares...

You glance back up at the staircase,
looking up at the winding path.
Raindrops fall,
remembering that your world feels just the same.

Time keeps ticking,
never seeming to stop.

Decision finally clicks as you move one step,
making more each time.
Nothing seems to sting anymore.

You say we aren't responsible,
but we are...
...in many ways to count-
as you keep trudging up the steps.

Finally seeking your mind,
ignoring the words,
ignoring the stares,
you're almost there.

Finally,
in your peace-
you're finally free as everything seems to click,
and you were never alone.



I wrote this one after listening to "We Are"-Ana; Spider-Man two soundtrack. This one was supposed to represent how much pain and agony someone can be in, no one ever listening to their cries, no one ever seeming to care. This person was purposely supposed to be abused, homeless, and very saddened by the death of everyone they love. When they reach the end, and start to go up into the staircase, they learn that they were never alone at all.
I wasn't sure if this meant they killed themselves...or they finally understood.....I never understand my poems fully. XP

Anyways, critique at will please! Be free to share your own poems as well!^^ =D

I love both of those! And I already guessed what song you'd listened to for the first poem.xD Have you heard "Gomenasai" by them? And one of my favorite things is the way you put the breaks in the lines. And I'll get some poems up here once I write them!

I'm glad you liked them.^^
I believe so. If not, I will. XD There song means "sorry" in japanese though. I wonder why...I still need to listen to it I think....*shrugs* I'll listen to it later. XD Have you heard "All About Us" and "All The Things She Said" by them? I love those songs! =D
Alright then! =3

Those were the firist two songs I heard! I love "All About Us".

Likewise here! =D
I love that song too~! "It's all about us. It's all about, all about us. There's nothing that they can touch~" I love that one. XD

I was actually going to write a poem off that one. XD

That would be a good idea!

I know right? I've been wanting to do one for a while now. ^^; XD Never had gotten the insperation I need for it though. *sighs, shrugs*

Ah. I may do a poem based off of "Fine Again" by Seether.

Ooooh....That's be a good poem. I love that song^^

Its a good song. The music video is awesomme. I've been wanting to write a poem like that for a while.

It is! I haven't seen the music video though. *shrugs*
I can't wait to see it if you do write it!^^

Awesome! I'll write it later today!^_^

Alright then!^^ I can't wait to see it! =D

Yep! I shall work on it after I actually finish my post! Then I'll work on RS!

Alright!^^
SQUEEEEEEE!!!! *tackle glomps you* Yay!^^ I'm so hyped for the next part of RS!!!^^

Well, I just got on and I really like it. Both of them made me feel, like I was there.

And other weird sappy stuff about the art and magesty of the words.

And your poems aren't that messed up...mine are just as weird....

Great ob.

And another RS? WHERE??!!!

I'm working on it!!! Kinda....a little...some...getting distracted by reading FMA.xD Oh well. I'll get it done as soon as I can!